So is this supposed to be more of a livejournal, tumblr, or blagspot? Sure.

As I’ve been drafting more posts for this blog, I’ve noticed that I keep pausing because I feel a tension in what I want this blog to be. On one hand, I want it to be about my own experience, I want it to be a place to talk to my friends because I miss the ambient intimacy of the front porch. I miss having a place online where I could have quiet conversations with my friends that sometimes had really cool people walk by and bond over sandwich tactics.

On the other hand, I keep feeling that I have enormous privilege. With you, the friends and community of amazing people I’ve built around me, my words and actions can have a much larger impact than many, and with that come responsibility to tell a bigger story.

And yet, I need a space for myself to receive the love and care that I need. I have to keep reminding myself, my privilege does not mean that I do not have difficulties and needs. On top of that, my particular collection of anxieties and traumas makes it very hard to ask for the help that I want and need. They make me overanalyze everything I say, everything I ask for. Each time I think about reaching out for help, I fear that will be the thing that pushes away because you’ll all see that I am far too messy, that I am a fraud.

The more rational part of me knows that’s not true.

Well…at least that part thinks that with about 85% confidence.

And so I freeze.

And so I write 300 words without getting to the point.

And so instead of writing about my experience, I spend 500 words writing about the three delays model (post incoming, it’s pretty good for anyone cares about designing systems to reduce barriers to care) but gloss over the very real barriers that I’ve been facing and am terrified of.

I don’t know what this blag will become between now and August 29, but I know I need support. Hopefully, I will build enough courage to ask for it.